Although Relationship OCD is not very widely talked about as one of the main symptoms of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), Relationship OCD (otherwise known as Relationship Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, or ROCD) affects many OCD sufferers – many of whom are unaware that their intrusive thoughts and images are actually connected to their OCD.
What is Relationship OCD?
In Relationship OCD, it is common for sufferers to repeatedly question whether their current partner is really the right person for them, and whether they actually love their partner or not. Most people are well aware of the fact that no relationship is without its flaws and bad points, but sufferers of Relationship OCD are often unable to recognise this.
This can lead sufferers to believe that they cannot be truly in love with their partner. In other cases, they can also think that they are somehow too 'flawed' to love another person. Either way, Relationship OCD will often result in temporary or permanent break-ups, and sufferers will often throw away relationships that are perfectly adequate because they feel that their feelings for their partner are not how they should be. This tends to put huge strain on the relationship, which sufferers may also use as a 'sign' that the relationship is failing or has already failed.
If sufferers go on to end the relationship, they will often have no real idea as to why they are doing so (other than the fact that their feelings are not 'right'), and cannot give a good enough reason if pressed.
Even if sufferers know deep down that they do love their partner, they will frequently check with themselves that this is still real. The constant doubts eat away at the sufferer and are often mentally exhausting - as is the case with most OCD symptoms.
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Triggers for Relationship OCD
Relationship OCD can be triggered by different thoughts and images, and this will often vary from sufferer to sufferer. Movies, television programmes and songs can often act as strong triggers.
When watching or listening to these, sufferers of Relationship OCD will often begin to question why their relationship does not mirror the deep emotional connection that is on display, without taking into account the fact that these are idealised and often entirely unrealistic. They can convince themselves that their relationship is not working because it is not the same. These thoughts can become all-consuming, to the point where the sufferer chooses to end the relationship.
Other sufferers will judge their relationship according to what they see around them, particularly with regards to other people's relationships.
Sufferers will often experience visual intrusions that act as a 'spike' (trigger). These can include having images of kissing someone, and having constant thoughts about them. For example, an image of a partner kissing someone else may randomly enter the mind of a suffer. While most people who do not suffer from OCD would be able to dismiss this fairly easily as paranoia, a sufferer of Relationship OCD will torture themselves with thoughts of their partner being unfaithful.
Read more about OCD in our article What is OCD.
I am a 17 year old and I've been through 2 significant OCD phases before both of them were Pure O where I would keep obsessing over something for. eg. I am gay after randomly coming across a gay tv scene. I've been able to cope with these through self help and I've never been to a therapist, recently I got into a relationship with a boy we talked over texts for a month and then i asked him out because I really liked talking to him and I wanted to be more than friends unfortunately in the regiom we live in open dating is not allowed and so we haven't been able to meet up yet we just talk over texts. He is a great guy but he is not much of a romantic whereas I am. There are a few differences of opinions between us to but who doesnt have them right? Its only been a couple of weeks since we got into this relationship but from the past few days I cant seem to stop obsessing over our relationship and whether or not he really is into me I have thoughts like "What if we dont match" "What if he leaves me" "What if he is not as much into me as I am into him" The problem is I know it will take time to form bonds and actually see where this relationship is going but I do not seem to have the patience for it. I constantly keep on trying to get reassurances from him, asking him if he really likes me or not trying to get him to flirt (he isn't a very corny person) and i know at some point it'll get annoying for him especially seeing that we are just in the beginning of this thing. Help me!
To be honest, I was a bit overwhelmed at first by just how much she was texting me, but since I really like her too, I didn't mind and reciprocated each of her many long texts with long answers. This went on for just over a month. We eventually started getting intimate and on nights where we were out with friends we would usually meet up and spend the night with each other.
Then I started to notice something: her texts were shorter, didn't have the usual :) :) :) ending to them and she seemed less interested. Because I have misread and overanalyzed things like this before in the past and I will admit I've wrecked perfectly good relationships because I stressed out over something like not getting a text back fast enough or its content didn't satisfy me enough.
Now after making those mistakes and gaining enough experience to tell myself that they are after all 'just texts' and they are totally different from talking to someone over the phone or being with them I don't stress out and analyze. The real test is seeing if they are acting different around you. Anyways, we kept dating and things seemed great. After six weeks it happened to be my birthday and I met up with her at her place after hanging out with my family and spent the night. In the morning she made me breakfast and surprise me with a little present (sugar cookies she had baked me that actually had designs on them that referred to this art exhibit we checked out on our first date). Super sweet no? How could I not love that?
Things seemed to get better after that. We hung out the next weekend where things seemed to progress even more: she met my brother-in-law one night and then I met up with her and one of her friends with one of my buddy's the next. Really felt like things were growing very organically. We tried to do something new and different for every date and get to know each other more.
Then it started happening, seemingly out of the blue. She seemed more distant the next few dates and then on one of them where I took her to a Louis CK stand up show, she basically wouldn't touch me. I would try and touch her but she basically just crossed her arms the entire show and kind of ruined it for me because it was obvious something was wrong. I didn't see her for a
he used to tell me every so often he wanted to see other people and that he wasn't sure if the relationship was "good for him" or if it was "the right relationship" . He would never said I love you and every time he did i could see he was incredible uncomfortable. he didn't want to move in with me or even come to my home country to visit. He would break up with me for a few weeks just to call me and tell me how much he missed me. he would say he would have love to move in with me but he would get so anxious about being close and all those doubts never left his side.
Obviously it was devastating for me, for a really long time until i decide to break up 2 month ago. After we break up he kissed my friend who was his best friend's girl. I know very messed up and if you ask me incredible self destructive. He literally hurt the people closes to him.
I love him very much and I know he loved me too. I could see it. but he could never be content and in peace in the relationship. There were a lot of times and even now where i'm trying to help him to realise that he could do something about it, but i'm starting to think there is nothing I can do and he's never gonna change cause it's easier to stay in the comfort zone , living a life that even though frustrates him is familiar.
He took the break up like nothing was happening. very strange.. I'm very very sad and he seems (not sure about this) to be ok with this. Even though he says it kills him not to be able to have a relationship with me, but he's not willing to do anything. He parties, drinks, sometimes uses coke and his life seem to be completely normal from the outside, while I'm really really struggling. Even though it was me who ended up things cause I just couldn't do it anymore.
I don't know if I should just move on and accept that is just the way he is and he's never gonna change or at least not in the near future, or if there´s something I could do.
he's very upset that i can't forgive him because he kissed my friend, which I find very odd. If he doesn't want to be with me then why is he so so upset about me not forgiving him??
I haven't replied to any of his texts cause I know it won't be good for me. But what's the best way to help someone? Should I just disappear from his life until one day (might not come) he realises he actually loved and had a good relationship with me and decides to change or is there another way to make him see what's really going on. We did have a pretty good relationship apart from that. We had so much fun together and loads of things in common. he keeps saying he thinks i'm an amazing person and he was very lucky to have had me in his life,but he
Everything else is irrelevant, trust what you can say, not what you can feel, love is a choice, if you choose to be with that person then what are you afraid of?
I would imagine if you did not love this person, you would not have taken the time to explain yourself and to seek reassurance, you would simply be OK.
I hope I helped.
I think I am suffering with rocd
All I do is think about my wife with another man
Constantly asking if she loves me
Checking her phone
Always worried she wants another man
Watching how she dresses
Thinking about her 24/7 and where she might be
I really need help
Can someone help me with this
Thank you
I pray you arrive at a normal view of your beloveds. Perhaps he/she is not the one....or perhaps all this pseudo-science points to something quite real and actually quite simple and common: at times we must take the LEAP into the beloved's arms beyond that nitpicking old self of ours. Only time and openness to a further diminishing of ourselves will bring one to peace.
For the first 19 years of my life, I've never been in a relationship, never been kissed, etc. I also had a problem with pushing away close friends for no reason other than it was too much pressure for me to sustain a good relationship. I am very introverted and I prefer being alone rather than being with people. However, I felt alone in my life. I was so lonely that it lead to depression, even though I practically did it to myself...
Around last year I met this boy I really liked. We quickly be became good friends, and my feelings for him started to grow stronger. I had never felt so strongly about anyone before, and I wanted to make sure I never pushed him away like I did with so many other people. He was literally everything I've ever wanted in a guy, and we got along very well. After I confessed my feelings for him, he admitted that he felt the same about me. I was supposed to be excited about this, but for some reason it triggered a lot of anxiety. I began to overanalyze everything I did and felt after that. (Am I smiling at his messages? Do I feel happy warm butterflies when we kiss? Do I feel the way people do in movies and books?) I wanted so badly for this to be perfect, but the constant overthinking was getting in the way of enjoying our relationship. Out of nowhere, I woke up with overwhelming anxiety one day and I was wondering why I didn't feel like I was supposed to. Of course my brain was like "well, maybe you don't really love him" and I PANICKED. Of course I loved him! I felt so happy and calm and comfortable around him. I cared about him. I wanted to do everything with him. The intrusive thoughts got worse and worse and I felt uneasy around him, although I knew deep down I still loved him, I kept seeking reassurance for my feelings.
Maybe it was because it is my first serious relationship and I got scared and started to overthink everything, and usually my first reaction to new experiences is to pull away. I knew he's been hurt by girls in the past before, and maybe I was afraid I would do the same. Maybe the infatuation stage was wearing off (even though that is supposed to happen) and I mistaked it for losing feelings? Maybe I was afraid if pushing him away like I did to everyone else? Maybe it was a huge combination of all of the above?
I've spoken to him about it, and to my surprise, he understood what I was going through. He even told me that second guessing your feelings towards your partner is very common. When I found out recently about ROCD, I was so relieved to see that I wasn't alone in feeling this way. I've been suffering with OCD and anxiety for years, so I figured it was related to my disorder. I began to fight my compulsive behavior, and I abandoned the majority of those time consuming OCD rituals. The intrusive thoughts, however, are more difficult to control. The harder I try to not think about them,
I read a TONS of posts on Stuck in a Doorway and Neurotic Planet forum (while still existed, 2 years ago) and can't find someone with similar experience with me until i read post of Stones84, with which they I can identify 80 %. Everybody said that they developing anxiety and thoughts after a couple of months in relationship or they think that partner don't love them cheating on them or they don't love partner. I, like user Stones84, develop tornado of thoughts even as soon as mention possibility of relationship, especially after spending a wonderful evening with possibly date, and tomorrow when I wake up guess what...ANXIETY, over analyzing EVERYTHING about that person, and the night before, until moment when head start to hurt me, sweating, hard to concentrate, choking and after that i start to question myself simple question "Why this must happens to me?", and that leads to more ruminating, disappointment and in the end depression and the circle continues on every other time, it hit me in every relationship since the first one!!
Example of this would be when a computer got a virus, virus use 100 % resources of processor and everything is slow and misery, like virus when this strikes me i feel weak, no brain power, hardly concentrate, no ability to work/live normal, i can't control this thoughts....
Stones84, if you read this, could you please answer me are you, after 2 years, solved this problem?
MY BIGGEST FEAR IS I'LL GET OLD ALONE, BECAUSE I FEAR TO GO IN RELATIONSHIP AND TO FEEL THIS MISERY AGAIN AND AGAIN!!
PS - Sorry 4 bad English.
I have few questions and would be very grateful if someone could help:
1) Is ROCD permanent or could it go away?
2) Is it something that could repeat itself after several years? If yes, is it easier to overcome on the second time?
3) Does anyone have any treatment tips or links to good sources on ROCD treatment?
Thanks in advance.
I am going to stop now. But I just wanted you all to know, I tried for 12 years, leaving and coming back until the 3rd time. I cannot live my life having to prioritize my love for him with everything else going on in it. It was emotionally, verbally, and physically abusive. It is a cycle that has no end for the "sufferer" and others.
this helped me tremendously, and knowing my partner understands me and i don't have to feel Paralyzed with guilt and feeling fake anymore has helped me a lot now
My Beautiful Partner wrote this last year and she has made me feel good about myself, knowing i dont have to feel like i`m a bad person and that its "just me" when its not
The Indescribable shoes
How does one describe the indescribable? A life where there is never a certainty, but forever a continuation of torturous doubt.
A life where Love cannot be felt without pain. A simple thought cannot be had with a compulsion to analyse....A smile cannot come without guilt... and a lifetime of loneliness feels the same as never being alone.
Trapped in a world where you are never certain if a thought is really your own....A world where the illogical merges into the Logical...
Sweating, Panic, guts twisting and Fear....A never ending Fear.
A fear of the unknown....But the unknown is you.
Take a moment, any moment in your life with the one you Love, a moment that fills you with happiness...... Now think about that moment.
Were you really happy on that day? Did you pretend to be someone your not to make that person happy? Where you really in love on that day or did you just say it? Did you question anything on that day? Are you sure you felt love or was it just lust? Were you relieved when the day was over? Are you supposed to be relieved for a day to be over if your in love? Do you still feel that way about them now? Are you in love or out of love? Do you feel trapped or anxious when they ask you to do something which you really don’t fancy doing? Do you make up excuses? Do you lie? Should you lie when your in love with someone? Does that make you fake? Was that day really all that happy or are you just remembering it that way?......Are you Sure?
Heart starts to race, stomach feels a little knotted, you keep looking at those questions, becoming a bit panicky and in comes fear....because your not sure anymore....One beautiful moment in time, in love... that you now no longer have the certainty in your mind of what you felt....and it’ll eat at you. If you were so sure before, but now you’re questioning it....is everything else Real anymore?
And now you begin to think of other moments....What about the disagreements? What about that time they irritated you?....Are you really sure this is the ONE for you?
You wake in the morning, they are coming over tonight....anxiety sets in, have you been a fake all this time? How can you look at them in the eye? How can you tell them you love them when your not sure? How can you be affectionate...when you look at them and just see questions? Is this fair on them when you don’t know how you feel? Should you just get through this and hope the right feeling comes.....?
They leave, it was wonderful.... so beautiful, so amazing, so IN LOVE.... Now you can just chill out, relieved the
My honest belief that I am a sufferer of Relationship OCD, however, causes me a lot more anxiety and fear. I am 27 years old and have had a number of relationships in the past, but every single one has consisted of me worrying, constantly 'doubting' (to the point of obsessing about it all day and being mentally exhausted in the evening). These doubts have consumed me because of my obsessive nature, and they often occur just days or a couple of weeks into a new relationship. I can say hand on heart that I have not had a single relationship where I have been carefree and free of doubts that have no basis or logic to them.
It doesn't even have to be an 'actual' relationship either. I go on a few dates with a person, end up getting along really well with them, only for me to wake up one morning soon after with this sense of gloom that I am going to fail once we begin a relationship, and I even begin to sense that my feelings are no longer real. I end up getting quite distressed and frustrated about this, especially since the majority of the time, the girl I'm dating has done absolutely nothing wrong.
I am dating a girl at the moment who I have really become close to in the last month, and we have been on about 8 dates together which have gone really well. I was actually starting to think that I had overcome this problem, but I woke up today and again these doubts have overcome me - the feelings I genuinely felt up until last night appear to have just switched off like a light and I am desperate to get them back. I cannot give a reason for these doubts - I have, until now, been attracted to this girl and have felt the early signs of a connection which I have really wanted to build on.
Whenever I have felt like this I have felt like nobody else in the world understands me and that I have something fundamentally wrong with my brain or something. It gives me some comfort to know that these symptoms are recognised as being part of a known disorder, I am going to do everything I can to get the help I need as soon as possible. Any help someone can give me would be really appreciated. Thanks for reading this.
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