Although Relationship OCD is not very widely talked about as one of the main symptoms of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), Relationship OCD (otherwise known as Relationship Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, or ROCD) affects many OCD sufferers – many of whom are unaware that their intrusive thoughts and images are actually connected to their OCD.
What is Relationship OCD?
In Relationship OCD, it is common for sufferers to repeatedly question whether their current partner is really the right person for them, and whether they actually love their partner or not. Most people are well aware of the fact that no relationship is without its flaws and bad points, but sufferers of Relationship OCD are often unable to recognise this.
This can lead sufferers to believe that they cannot be truly in love with their partner. In other cases, they can also think that they are somehow too 'flawed' to love another person. Either way, Relationship OCD will often result in temporary or permanent break-ups, and sufferers will often throw away relationships that are perfectly adequate because they feel that their feelings for their partner are not how they should be. This tends to put huge strain on the relationship, which sufferers may also use as a 'sign' that the relationship is failing or has already failed.
If sufferers go on to end the relationship, they will often have no real idea as to why they are doing so (other than the fact that their feelings are not 'right'), and cannot give a good enough reason if pressed.
Even if sufferers know deep down that they do love their partner, they will frequently check with themselves that this is still real. The constant doubts eat away at the sufferer and are often mentally exhausting - as is the case with most OCD symptoms.
Triggers for Relationship OCD
Relationship OCD can be triggered by different thoughts and images, and this will often vary from sufferer to sufferer. Movies, television programmes and songs can often act as strong triggers.
When watching or listening to these, sufferers of Relationship OCD will often begin to question why their relationship does not mirror the deep emotional connection that is on display, without taking into account the fact that these are idealised and often entirely unrealistic. They can convince themselves that their relationship is not working because it is not the same. These thoughts can become all-consuming, to the point where the sufferer chooses to end the relationship.
Other sufferers will judge their relationship according to what they see around them, particularly with regards to other people's relationships.
Sufferers will often experience visual intrusions that act as a 'spike' (trigger). These can include having images of kissing someone, and having constant thoughts about them. For example, an image of a partner kissing someone else may randomly enter the mind of a suffer. While most people who do not suffer from OCD would be able to dismiss this fairly easily as paranoia, a sufferer of Relationship OCD will torture themselves with thoughts of their partner being unfaithful.
I have always displayed minor symptoms of OCD, not to the extent of some sufferers where it dominates your life, but certainly to the extent of being late for work occasionally because I am checking and re-checking that I have locked doors and windows that were never opened in the first place, and checked that the oven is off, even irrational things such as checking my bed is made before leaving for work, that sort of thing.I have never really made an attempt to resolve this, probably thinking in the back of my mind that it wasn't a 'real' disorder, or that I wouldn't be taken seriously.
My honest belief that I am a sufferer of Relationship OCD, however, causes me a lot more anxiety and fear.I am 27 years old and have had a number of relationships in the past, but every single one has consisted of me worrying, constantly 'doubting' (to the point of obsessing about it all day and being mentally exhausted in the evening).These doubts have consumed me because of my obsessive nature, and they often occur just days or a couple of weeks into a new relationship.I can say hand on heart that I have not had a single relationship where I have been carefree and free of doubts that have no basis or logic to them.
It doesn't even have to be an 'actual' relationship either.I go on a few dates with a person, end up getting along really well with them, only for me to wake up one morning soon after with this sense of gloom that I am going to fail once we begin a relationship, and I even begin to sense that my feelings are no longer real.I end up getting quite distressed and frustrated about this, especially since the majority of the time, the girl I'm dating has done absolutely nothing wrong.
I am dating a girl at the moment who I have really become close to in the last month, and we have been on about 8 dates together which have gone really well.I was actually starting to think that I had overcome this problem, but I woke up today and again these doubts have overcome me - the feelings I genuinely felt up until last night appear to have just switched off like a light and I am desperate to get them back.I cannot give a reason for these doubts - I have, until now, been attracted to this girl and have felt the early signs of a connection which I have really wanted to build on.
Whenever I have felt like this I have felt like nobody else in the world understands me and that I have something fundamentally wrong with my brain or something.It gives me some comfort to know that these symptoms are recognised as being part of a known disorder, I am going to do everything I can to get the help I need as soon as possible.Any help someone can give me would be really appreciated.Thanks for reading this.
Stones84 - 24 August 2011 @ 9:34 PM
I have this condition, for sure. For years I have had different relationships where I have questioned whether or not I should be in the relationship from the moment I start dating the person. I jump ahead into the future and ask myself is this the person I should marry, wonder if I am being honest with myself and them, am I getting into something where I will eventually have to break up. I never end up truly enjoying the relationship as I am so full of fear. Maybe the person wasn't right each time, maybe we were meant to break up but my obsession about it all is not normal. My backstory: I was raised in a chaotic alcoholic home and sexually abused several times by different people. I believe that it caused me to undermine my own feelings and also have a fear of abandonment and loss/loneliness. I then got into a relationship when I was 18 where the guy was lovely and I was very attached to him but I wasn't in any place to have a stable relationship. I was heading for a massive and necessary breakdown. On my way into it though, I exerienced what I call love addiction. I kept going back to him compulsively, using him like a drug, even though it didn't feel "right". I feel like I damaged my trust in myself in this process. I went to SLAA (Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous) and had to arrest my addiction to him. It was so hard. I really screwed him around. I felt so guilty and obsessed. So every relationship after this I have questioned whether I am doing the right thing by myself and the guy. Am I gonna hurt myself? Am I gonna hurt him?
Now, years later I am 32 years old and I have just had a beautiful little boy to an amazing fella, who now the doubts have come up about, even though I have grown to love him and see that he is showing to me that he is awesome. I want to get serious about my recovery from relationship OCD and the effects of growing up in an insane household. Things happened in my childhood to and around me that I forget about from time to time, due to having a busy lifestyle. These things though, naturally have a profound effect on my sense of security in life. Ok so I'll give this recovery thing a red hot go and find an OCD therapist.. I am posting this incase my experience can help someone. I also go to Alanon and will do for life cause I love it. Ha no problems with committment there!Thanks for reading.
